Why the Language We Use About Trauma Responses Keeps People Stuck in Shame

Your 'Unhealthy' Coping Mechanisms Deserve Better

Photo by horacio olavarria on Unsplash

Your Trauma Therapist by Lauren Auer, LCPC is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. For more content follow me on Instagram.

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There's something that's been bothering me about how we talk about trauma responses in therapy. Actually, it's been bothering me for years.

Someone sits across from me, shoulders curved inward, apologizing before they even start talking.

"I know I shouldn't restrict my food when I'm stressed, but I can't seem to stop."

"I've been sober for six months and I still want to drink every time I feel overwhelmed."

"I shut down during conflict even though I know it hurts my relationship. I just... freeze."

They've done the work. Read the books. Learned the skills. They know their patterns are "unhealthy." They can recite why these behaviors don't serve them. But knowing doesn't stop the urge to restrict when anxiety peaks. Understanding doesn't prevent the shutdown when voices get raised.

And so they sit there, drowning in shame about the very responses that once kept them alive.

The medical world calls these "maladaptive coping strategies." I see them differently. These aren't character flaws or treatment failures. They're survival adaptations that haven't gotten the memo that the war is over.

But somewhere along the way, we decided survival strategies needed fixing.