thank you 🙏🏼 this post is strong medicine. i feel myself in the descriptions, the examples; wishing i had read this decades ago. tho unclear how to move through the innumerable events and layers, i begin with compassion. it’s just what is and i can let go of the gaslighters saying i was loco. breathing….
You're so right, those voices that called you "loco" were wrong. Your response to trauma was always sane. I see you breathing through it, making space for where you are right now. That's everything.
Wow. Just wow. Yeah. My traumalescence has been happening in fits and starts for several years as my recovery from multiple childhood and adolescent traumas has also happened in stages. Right now I think I’m mid phase of outgrowing a particular friendship where I can’t really be myself or be vulnerable. Unfortunately or perhaps fortunately I will have to find new friends which, due to my childhood is hard. I tend to overinvest in only one friend at a time. I had to completely disengage from siblings after my mom’s death and in our family outsiders are not to be trusted! But I outgrew them and they were reliably toxic and abusive year after year, decade after decade. It still causes grief but less and less guilt. Standing in the InBetween as I call it is awkward but necessary!
I love how you describe it happening "in fits and starts" - yes, that's exactly it. It makes so much sense that finding new friendships feels hard, especially with that family message about not trusting outsiders. The fact that you're noticing less guilt around setting boundaries with your siblings is huge. You're doing this messy, necessary work of becoming, and I see you.
Cy….You just wrote my experience. After my Mother died, I had to separate from my family. After 5 years, they are still as toxic as they were before I left those relationships. Years ago, my therapist asked me, “why do you want to stay in such a toxic family”. After a long pause of thinking about my answer, I said “because then I would be alone”.
I’m also experiencing changes in my long-term friendships. I finally realized I was the one making 90% of calls to them. I stopped calling & they were comfortable only checking in every 6 to 12 months. I’m alone most of the time now.
I have achieved much success in my life. It was all because of my determination. Little to no support from friends & family.
After several years, I am still experiencing traumalescence. Felling stuck & unsure.
Our stories are the same picture, different frame.
Thank you for providing me with the language to articulate my experience with healing. I knew that as someone who walked away from a religious cult in my twenties, after nearly seven years in it, I was going to have to revisit my adolescence and figure out who I am. But nearly a decade out and it’s only now, as I process the myriad of ways the indoctrination affected my nervous system and learn new neural pathways that I find myself giddy at the prospect of self-differentiating or of prioritizing my own happiness. It really feels like I’m seventeen again.
I’m going to share this with a group of strokes survivors that I’m a part of because it really helps. Explain some of the things that you go through while recovering your identity after suffering from a stroke.
I'm touched that you see this connection - thank you for sharing it with your stroke survivors group. You're so right. The journey of rediscovering yourself after a stroke has so many parallels to this process. That experience of your body and brain feeling different, having to find new ways of being in the world, questioning who you are now versus who you were before - it's all part of the transformation that comes with healing.
It's amazing how having words for our experiences can help us feel less alone in them, isn't it? Thank you for sharing how this resonated with your journey.
You have a gift for explaining the full palette - from more concretized science to the very fluid and nuanced human experiences. All with a compassionate, relatable telling. Really enjoyed your insights and sharing this.
You've captured exactly what I hope to do - honor both the science and the deeply human experience of healing. It's in weaving these together that we often find the most meaningful understanding.
I've saved this post as it's so powerful that I know I'll read it again. I'm 67 and am only now starting to realise how co dependent and anxiously attached I've been my entire life due to childhood experiences. I'm several years into my healing journey and it's been tough as during that time we sold our house to live on a narrow boat to travel. All good, but 'leaving' family and friends has been so difficult and I'm finally making sense of my responses. I've lived in survival mode my whole life, but now hope to live the life I want at last...Karen
Those survival patterns served you for so long, and now you're learning to actually live, not just survive. There's something so powerful about finally understanding our responses and choosing something different. You're right at that intersection of hard and hopeful, and I'm holding so much hope for this next chapter of yours.
Thank you so much and you're absolutely right.. it's just occurred to me how I usually berate myself when I feel dysregulated which only escalates my discomfort and makes me feel as if I'm failing. Learning to self regulate without getting busy or fleeing in some way is new to me and it takes time, but I'm really trying to be kind and patient with myself. I rarely had that as a child, so it's taking a while, but I'll keep trying 🤗
Thank you Jeannie. I’m new to @Your Trauma Therapist’s work, but am looking forward to diving in.
This newsletter could be a beautiful addition to SurvivorStack, the directory of newsletters about life after trauma that I’ve compiled. I’d love to include you if it felt right, Lauren. 💕
Wow there are not enough words to thank you for writing this. As someone starting on this trauma healing path and feeling this both good and uncomfortable progress, I’ve been praying for wisdom and comfort to come and somehow stumbled on this post. Such a gift to me to be encouraged to keep going on this journey. Thank you ❤️
This is so powerful. I have experienced this for myself and witnessed it for so many people that I have worked with. To have words and an explanation for it is so powerful. I will be referencing and sharing this article often. Thank you for this gift of awareness and naming this part of the healing process.
"It means so much to hear how this resonates with both your personal experience and professional work. Having language for these transitions can make such a difference in how we understand and move through them. Thank you for helping spread this awareness to others who might need it.
Thank you so much for writing out all of this. This explains so much of what I am going through right now.
Thank you for letting me know this resonated. You're not alone in this phase.
I desperately needed to read this in this exact moment. Really thoughtfully written, with such potent examples. Thank you, thank you.
This just changed my whole perspective on my healing journey☀️ Thank you for putting words to all the things I didn't understand.
These types of comments is the exact reason I write. I am so glad you found it!
Love this post. It speaks volumes to me. Becoming...is my word for this experience.
Thank you so much for all you do! So glad I found Substack and YOU!
This is such a great post!!! I loved everything about it! Thanks for sharing. No words.
Thank you so much for reading it !
Fantastic read. Thank you!
I am so glad it resonated with you :)
thank you 🙏🏼 this post is strong medicine. i feel myself in the descriptions, the examples; wishing i had read this decades ago. tho unclear how to move through the innumerable events and layers, i begin with compassion. it’s just what is and i can let go of the gaslighters saying i was loco. breathing….
You're so right, those voices that called you "loco" were wrong. Your response to trauma was always sane. I see you breathing through it, making space for where you are right now. That's everything.
Wow. Just wow. Yeah. My traumalescence has been happening in fits and starts for several years as my recovery from multiple childhood and adolescent traumas has also happened in stages. Right now I think I’m mid phase of outgrowing a particular friendship where I can’t really be myself or be vulnerable. Unfortunately or perhaps fortunately I will have to find new friends which, due to my childhood is hard. I tend to overinvest in only one friend at a time. I had to completely disengage from siblings after my mom’s death and in our family outsiders are not to be trusted! But I outgrew them and they were reliably toxic and abusive year after year, decade after decade. It still causes grief but less and less guilt. Standing in the InBetween as I call it is awkward but necessary!
I love how you describe it happening "in fits and starts" - yes, that's exactly it. It makes so much sense that finding new friendships feels hard, especially with that family message about not trusting outsiders. The fact that you're noticing less guilt around setting boundaries with your siblings is huge. You're doing this messy, necessary work of becoming, and I see you.
Cy….You just wrote my experience. After my Mother died, I had to separate from my family. After 5 years, they are still as toxic as they were before I left those relationships. Years ago, my therapist asked me, “why do you want to stay in such a toxic family”. After a long pause of thinking about my answer, I said “because then I would be alone”.
I’m also experiencing changes in my long-term friendships. I finally realized I was the one making 90% of calls to them. I stopped calling & they were comfortable only checking in every 6 to 12 months. I’m alone most of the time now.
I have achieved much success in my life. It was all because of my determination. Little to no support from friends & family.
After several years, I am still experiencing traumalescence. Felling stuck & unsure.
Our stories are the same picture, different frame.
Thank you for providing me with the language to articulate my experience with healing. I knew that as someone who walked away from a religious cult in my twenties, after nearly seven years in it, I was going to have to revisit my adolescence and figure out who I am. But nearly a decade out and it’s only now, as I process the myriad of ways the indoctrination affected my nervous system and learn new neural pathways that I find myself giddy at the prospect of self-differentiating or of prioritizing my own happiness. It really feels like I’m seventeen again.
I’m going to share this with a group of strokes survivors that I’m a part of because it really helps. Explain some of the things that you go through while recovering your identity after suffering from a stroke.
I'm touched that you see this connection - thank you for sharing it with your stroke survivors group. You're so right. The journey of rediscovering yourself after a stroke has so many parallels to this process. That experience of your body and brain feeling different, having to find new ways of being in the world, questioning who you are now versus who you were before - it's all part of the transformation that comes with healing.
Thank you for this beautiful post. So validating ! I finally have some words to describe what I am going through.
It's amazing how having words for our experiences can help us feel less alone in them, isn't it? Thank you for sharing how this resonated with your journey.
You have a gift for explaining the full palette - from more concretized science to the very fluid and nuanced human experiences. All with a compassionate, relatable telling. Really enjoyed your insights and sharing this.
You've captured exactly what I hope to do - honor both the science and the deeply human experience of healing. It's in weaving these together that we often find the most meaningful understanding.
I've saved this post as it's so powerful that I know I'll read it again. I'm 67 and am only now starting to realise how co dependent and anxiously attached I've been my entire life due to childhood experiences. I'm several years into my healing journey and it's been tough as during that time we sold our house to live on a narrow boat to travel. All good, but 'leaving' family and friends has been so difficult and I'm finally making sense of my responses. I've lived in survival mode my whole life, but now hope to live the life I want at last...Karen
Those survival patterns served you for so long, and now you're learning to actually live, not just survive. There's something so powerful about finally understanding our responses and choosing something different. You're right at that intersection of hard and hopeful, and I'm holding so much hope for this next chapter of yours.
Thank you so much and you're absolutely right.. it's just occurred to me how I usually berate myself when I feel dysregulated which only escalates my discomfort and makes me feel as if I'm failing. Learning to self regulate without getting busy or fleeing in some way is new to me and it takes time, but I'm really trying to be kind and patient with myself. I rarely had that as a child, so it's taking a while, but I'll keep trying 🤗
@Clare Egan have you seen this?
Thank you Jeannie. I’m new to @Your Trauma Therapist’s work, but am looking forward to diving in.
This newsletter could be a beautiful addition to SurvivorStack, the directory of newsletters about life after trauma that I’ve compiled. I’d love to include you if it felt right, Lauren. 💕
Wow there are not enough words to thank you for writing this. As someone starting on this trauma healing path and feeling this both good and uncomfortable progress, I’ve been praying for wisdom and comfort to come and somehow stumbled on this post. Such a gift to me to be encouraged to keep going on this journey. Thank you ❤️
You're so right about this journey being both good and uncomfortable. Keep listening to that wisdom in you that knows this path is worth walking.
This is so powerful. I have experienced this for myself and witnessed it for so many people that I have worked with. To have words and an explanation for it is so powerful. I will be referencing and sharing this article often. Thank you for this gift of awareness and naming this part of the healing process.
"It means so much to hear how this resonates with both your personal experience and professional work. Having language for these transitions can make such a difference in how we understand and move through them. Thank you for helping spread this awareness to others who might need it.